Moving Forward? Or Hitting the Wall?

I came across a website lately that asks deep, quirky, random questions. I was looking for inspiration for a blog post I was drafting. I’ve been empty in the creative well of late.

One question had me curious: If you had three wishes that had to be spent on you, and you could not wish for more wishes, what would you wish for?

This is a common curiosity. Suddenly a genie appears from a bottle, and asks the “three wishes” question. The kicker for this question is: it has to be about you. You can’t ask for climate change issues to be resolved. You can’t ask for world peace. You can’t ask for other people’s forgiveness, or for a redo of your life… although maybe you could ask for that last one. I’m not sure I would though. My life has been interesting and it’s made the person I am today.

But I do think my answer today would differ from what it may have been five years ago.

Today, I would ask for:

1. A healthy body that’s flexible and fit. Not necessarily a slim build, but one that is functional for anything I would want to take on — big and small.

2. A consistent, robust income, where I could comfortably support myself with my writing.

3. Easily publishing one novel per year, while successfully running a creative entrepreneurial business, with enough staff to handle the administrative tasks.

Over the last five years, life has been a bit of a rollercoaster. My health has suffered and with the pandemic, I was full-on with the writing. When I think of where I was five years ago, I had a lot more energy.

Today, I’m depleted. I wonder if it’s menopause, or if it’s because I’ve been going like the ever-ready bunny for the last five years-and now I’ve hit burnout. A friend did warn me about this.

My current novel sits like a brick. I am chipping away at it, but the excitement for the work has waned. Do you know how hard it is for me to admit that? I mean, writing is easy for me. Sure, some days are harder than others. Especially the rewrite stage.

But what’s hurting the most, is I LOVE this storyline. I love this novel. I truly believe it’s going to be a great book.

I just can’t seem to find my way forward.

I had to admit, the last week has been manic. Maybe I’m just wiped from it. We have a new build going in on the vacant lot next door. Two years ago we complained to the water company that there’s was a leak. The water company came out and told us–and our neighbour–that it was ‘runoff’. With the new build, the builders had issues and the water company came back out. This time, they discovered a broken water pipe. Ta-da! (*Hand slap to the forehead*). Since we rent this house, we’re the last to know what’s going on. But the work is happening at the top of our steep driveway, so we’re not privy to what’s going on unless we schlep up the seven-story driveway and be the nosy parkers. It’s been a week of not-knowing. Council workers, builders, water guys, have all been buzzing outside my office window. They’re all looking to see just how bad the overflow is, but there’s been no communication.

Add in doctor appointments, physio appointments and hydrotherapy this week. It’s been multiple trips to town. (I live three hours, round trip, from town, where all the above services are located.) There has been no downtime. It’s all go-go-go.

So, maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m just tired from the week. Maybe I need a weekend? It’s been a long time since I’ve had two days off consecutively. So, yes, maybe this will be the only thing I write today. Given the energy level, likely.

But I keep thinking back on those wishes: A healthy body. A published novel this year. A successful business. And right now, they are wishes. They are not plans. Not goals. Wishes. And if I can’t get my act in gear, that’s all they will be.  

Photo Credit: Katerina Niuman | Unsplash